(New York City) – Once again lambasting a major corporation over mere personal problems, Micah Laaker today announced KFC (the food artist formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken) and Colonel Sanders were personally responsible for his recent illnesses.

"Today marks a sad turning point in my relationship with the Colonel and his merry band of chicken peddlers. Because of the undeniable connection of eating their chicken at 9:30 P.M. on Wednesday, April 5, 2000, and then suddenly falling horribly ill at 10:30 P.M. on Wednesday, April 5, 2000, and being diagnosed with salmonella and influenza the very next day, I hereby hold him and his personally responsible," said Mr. Laaker in a statement today. "This calls for retribution. Extreme retribution."

Mr. Laaker later clarified "extreme retribution" as meaning "not eating there nearly as often." "I can’t hate the Colonel forever. This seems more like the work of a rogue chicken-tampering faction than a deliberate and pernicious attack on me by the Colonel’s tried-and-true forces. I just wish he’d send me an apology. Or coupons. Whatever."