(New York) – Micah Laaker is mad. "Mad ill," that is. Having fallen victim to a second round of asthma- and allergy-induced illnesses, Mr. Laaker conceded that he was no match for these vicious attacks. "My immune system is obviously sub-standard, leaving me susceptible to an ever-increasing barrage of cruel and systematic attacks at the hands of this ‘silent killer,’" said Mr. Laaker in a recent attempt at a conversation, thanks to his deteriorating vocal quality. "I guess I’m a goner."

Repeated trips to several doctors seemed to confirm Mr. Laaker’s suspicions. Having undergone waves of antibiotics, anti-allergy, and anti-asthma medications, all to no avail, Laaker’s specialist pulled out the "big gun:" prednisolone. Former employer David Epstein had repeatedly woven tales of awe and wonder associated with such medication, ever raising Mr. Laaker’s hopes that a cure was within reach.

Sadly, this "cure" turned out to be no more than yet another misleading placebo, leaving Mr. Laaker very sad and forlorn. An expiration date has yet to be confirmed, although Mr. Laaker’s vulture-like friends have already tried to place dibs on his massive music collection and Palm Pilot upon his demise.

Mr. Laaker asks for your donation of soups and blankets to keep him warm and nourished in his final months.